Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
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Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Brother?