I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
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My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
He a real one for that
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next