God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
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sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.