If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
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Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
There’s always that one guy
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development