Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
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I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
TWEET CALL
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“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
lost dog
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*