Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
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[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I’m not alone. I have ants.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.