My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
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my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you