My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
You Might Also Like
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
My inexpensive home security system…
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
hey, alexa
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Legend 🤣🤣
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?