Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
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*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Before crowbars crows drank alone
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
technically true but not a great slogan
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.