*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
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She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway