4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
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Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Optional boss fight.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Brands during Pride
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.