NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
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Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
okay run it by me one more time