[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
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The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.