[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
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If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I love twitter
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.