I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
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Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*