Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
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*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Good point.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”