I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
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At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it