13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
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They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.