I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
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I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
My favorite farside!!
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.