If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
You Might Also Like
this FaceApp is creepy af
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.