Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
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I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?