[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
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My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper