If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
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Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Just had my nails done!
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.