What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
They’re really bad with fonts.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
lmfao