If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
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[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
This is why I hate group projects
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Mad Max Arctic Road
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom