Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
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A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Favourite diary entry ever
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Knock Knock
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…