Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
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can I use a minion as a tampon
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.