My safe word is Worcestershire
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Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Dudes named Chance never had one.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.