I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
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Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother