Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
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[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”