I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
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cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
They’re called werewolves.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
dutch is not a serious language
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
#CoronaOutbreak
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]