God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
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Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums