Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
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I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?