my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
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Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”