My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
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Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.