This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
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My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.