MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
this isn’t threatening at all
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.