Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
You Might Also Like
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!