[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
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The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it