If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
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7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or