kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
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Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
<—- homeless romantic
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Danger is very dangerous
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot