hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
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Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.