Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
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*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
marvel comics have peaked
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.