EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
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When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please