the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
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There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.