Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
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Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”