PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
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Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Always
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”