Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
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A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower