Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
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[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Good morning!
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
so weird how every mom was born today
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….