Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
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friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain